I don't know whats wrong with me and I hope at least one person who reads this can relate; but i just don't want to do it anymore. This Mom stuff is the toughest job I've ever had. I don't know if its waking up every day with two kids in your bed, not to mention my bed's not the same as my husbands. and being woken up to cries, the sound of slurping juices and my hair getting pulled, just to roll out of bed and do almost everything all day for some one else and nothing for your self. Constantly being wanted, pleading to hold, constantly helping teaching and disciplining. I think I'm loosing it, I have no patience anymore, I have lost control of my house; and could care less how dirty it is; well I care but just can't find it in me to clean it. I am just now doing MY laundry, its been 3 weeks. The Kids gets done every week. I want to quit, to leave and not come back but know I could never do such a thing but it would be great to just have some me time, to be able to take a shower every day, to sleep through the night, even if it were just for a week. It's been over 2.5 years since I've had a good nights sleep. Pregnant to a baby that I nursed till I was pregnant again, and still nursing the baby. But how would that even make it better Dempsey still gets up in the night and I have no clue why he just gets up and crawls in bed with me. Elly is constantly getting up anywhere from 2 to 5 times a night mostly to nurse, I can't get her to eat at night so she'll sleep better.
I just feel like a horrible mom, I wish i didn't feel this way. I wish I was in love with my job; it's just so hard to keep pleading with your children, to keep going each day know that yet again you're not getting a shower or that the baby is going to bite me in the nipple again at her next feeding. Yes I know I should just stop nursing but any mom who has nursed knows how gratifying it is and I just don't want to quit till after a year. Elly does take a bottle now and doesn't nurse a lot mostly around bed time.
I know I should just be grateful both kids are perfectly healthy, mostly happy and beautiful. and they both love me very much but i just can't get a hold of things and it's taken its toll on me. I hope some one can relate. Sorry for venting...
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Super big hugs Holly! Believe me, I could write the same post!!! This weather is horrible at helping, too! It is so hard to give and give and GIVE and not get. I know why you're still nursing and that is not what I would recommend quitting. Nolan and Evan did not sleep through the night until around 14 months and it was still hit and miss. They still come to our bed side sometimes. I know it will pass. I was so motivated after bringing Calvin home. I was doing all the cleaning and just realized I have not had the desire to do so again. I am going to ask their daycare provider if I can start bringing Nolan and Calvin a half a day once a week so I can clean and just take time for myself. I will do that in the mornings. I also have a cleaner I call now and then if I just cannot do it. It's expensive (100) but worth it now and then. Ask your hubby for that as a gift! I will say some prayers for you to have peace over where your life is at AND figure out ways to get that much needed time for yourself. Have those grandparents and aunts and uncles help by taking the kids and you have time for yourself. I guess that is what I do (but now I'm procrastinating with the dishes and the laundry - and I have a cold, yeah, poor me huh? LOL) I guess what I do is try to laugh it off. You'll be amazed at how much it changes in about 6 to 12 months. They will play better together (and fight more too). Hugs and prayers for you. You are a GREAT Mom and this post does not make me doubt that. It is reality. My mom and I joke about running away. She said she start walking, I told her she should have drove, at least she'd get somewhere faster. Oh, one more thing, I did drive off about 2 months ago only to realize I needed to go home to pump! LOL Darn it.
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